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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.