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Iām just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Gotta thin the herd. ā me eating animal crackers
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light