Daily Silly Status

My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.

Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess

My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.

How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways

I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.

At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.

I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.

A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"