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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.