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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.