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I drink to make other people interesting.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work