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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Gym Update: Not there.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.