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Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.