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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.