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Happy people don`t take long showers.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!