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You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.