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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.