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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.