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I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."