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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.