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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping