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How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.