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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.