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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.