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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.