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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned