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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.