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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.