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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.