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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.