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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.