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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data