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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.