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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"