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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?