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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....