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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.