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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.