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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!