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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.