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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?