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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.