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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.