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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle