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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.