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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....