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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.