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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.