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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!