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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Does this status update make me look fat?
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.