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You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?