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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.