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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.