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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.