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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Is Nudeism a religion?
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.