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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do