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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..