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Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie