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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.