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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
It´s never to late to be happy
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.