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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume