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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.