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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.