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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!