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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole