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Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.