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Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.