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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Back in my day we had 9 planets.