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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.