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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.