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Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?