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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin