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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.