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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.