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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.